Ayahuasca - The Gift That Keeps Giving

Two years ago, I ventured into a hut in the mountains of Peru for three days to embark on the journey of my life. Everything I've ever heard about Ayahuasca, this spiritual vine/bark from the Amazon is true and beautiful and the closest I've ever come to divinity. Facing today's environment - I have a strange and comfortable peace that only comes from this experience.

"The most beautiful and courageous act is to think for yourself. Aloud." Coco Chanel

I am overwhelmed by the love and true desire of my friends, family, and strangers to know about this journey. I also agreed to write an article upon my return. I thought long and hard about how best to handle the communication of this experience. I decided if I told my story, I would tell it all. Some parts are deeply personal and I cringe in even typing the vulnerable words. It is my truth and truth isn’t always pretty. I trust that sharing parts of my shadow will give some light to another’s shadow. I owe it to ayahuasca and the other brave souls who I shared this experience with under the beautiful skies of Peru. I believe strongly in the therapeutic benefits of ayahuasca as a catalyst in the quest for wholeness. I also believe strongly that vulnerability is the single bravest thing you can offer.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently.” ― Maya Angelou

As my plane approached the runway to land in Peru, I could see clearly how the influences of Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell’s writings had brought me to this place in time. I was preparing for an “archetypal transformation” similar to what Joseph Campbell calls the “hero’s journey”; an exploration of the unknown that many individuals undertake, whether or not they are aware of the necessary deconstruction and resurrection that must take place. My desire was clear and strong. I was seeking to access my own “mythic conscious” deep inside the ancient parts of my reptilian brain and potentially reorient deeply embedded primitive belief structures that no longer served me. I was convinced this would be the purest opportunity I would ever have to explore my subconscious; a lifelong passion of mine. I took a taxi from the airport to the pre-ceremony ‘watering hole’ located in a building at the center of town. It was here where I began the ritual in Peru by drinking six full glasses of volcanic water for a complete and adequate purging in preparation for the ayahuasca event. Once completing the purge I was taken to the ceremony location, as we ascended in altitude I could feel my senses elevating too.

Upon arrival, I was shown to my room and given a briefing on events to come. I participated in a blessing ceremony first and then walked to the ayahuasca ceremony destination. It was an indelible moment walking up to the simple unassuming hut made of stone and straw. The culmination of so many life moments were converging under the Peruvian sky. I entered through the door to the maloka (large ceremonial hut), slipped off my shoes and made my place snug against the interior wooden wall of the room. I leaned back and looked up to see the moon peeking in through the opening in the straw ceiling; an oculus which also revealed subtle sounds of the Peruvian world beyond the walls. I could hear restless animals just outside - dogs barking, birds flapping their wings and leaves softly rustling in the wind. Next to me was a green plastic bucket, a roll of bath tissue, electrolytes and water for drinking. Beyond the occasional sifting sounds of the village it was quiet in the maloka. In silence I watched the rest of the group enter one-by-one, remove their shoes and take their places.

The Master sat in front of me calmly preparing for the ceremony. I was entranced by all the activity, chanting, the smell of smoke, the sharp sound of spit hitting the Master’s bucket between chants, and the sweet fragrance of ceremonial waters for cleansing the palette of the soul. As I watched him bless each cup of ayahuasca, I began to feel the weight of deep fear and regret for my decision that brought me to this place so far from home. Being only moments away from drinking the brew of bark and leaves, I began to feel a “fight or flight” urgency welling inside me. I began to wonder, do astronauts have this same reaction moments before take-off? Ayahuasca alters your perceptions of reality. I have always believed that everything happens exactly as it should in life and I believe ayahuasca is a calling that finds you – you do not find it. My first encounter with ayahuasca was more than 20 years ago while reading a book by Ralph Metzer, “Sacred Vine of Spirits“ the intrigue of each person’s encounter was so gritty and the crudeness of the ceremony left me wondering if I could ever do something so primitive. At the time I read Metzer’s book, I remember being completely intrigued, but utterly turned off by the thought of willfully giving up control of all bodily functions and what I thought Peru to be an Amazonian jungle setting. At that point even though curious, I had zero desire much less an inkling that I would ever be in Peru, sitting with a Shaman, about to drink the ayahuasca brew tackling my greatest conceptual angst. Fast-forward to a few months ago when it became clear to me in a dream that I must experience ayahuasca. When I awoke, I knew it was my calling and began to plan for my trip immediately.

Back in the maloka the Master continued to prepare, I could feel the tears quietly stream down my cheeks thinking of my daughters currently away at camp. I had never felt so far away and so deeply in love with them. Prior to starting my journey I took great care to explain to them that I was an adventurer of the mind and life was meant to fight your greatest fears. Mostly, I wanted them to be proud of me and to use this as an example for their own callings as they journey through life and make their own choices, even if all the voices say don’t do it and no one understands. The Master completed the preparations and we were all handed a cup. I drank quickly. I added water to the residue left in my cup and took one more drink until I was satisfied that I had taken it all. I set my glass down, slipped inside my sleeping bag and leaned back against my pillow. And I waited. I tucked my chin under the blanket and held my cheeks with both hands. Immediately, I began to hear violent purging with the intensity of wounded animals from the space surrounding me as it filled with smoke and sounds of shamanic instruments. The room was the darkest black possible as the Master began to walk to the foot of each of us chanting the icaros; it was through these songs that our mareación (the visionary effects of ayahuasca) were enhanced. He also blessed sacred water and spit as he blew smoke in between each action. I was crying hard and silently as I longed to feel protected and safe. This was not a new theme for me in life and the deep longing appeared to have always been there but never expressed. I made a conscious intention to surrender.

I began my own version of purging for what seemed like hours. Soon after, my fingers began to tingle and a huge smile emerged on my face. My eyes were closed and I experienced the richest, most vibrant colors in geometric shapes dancing in front of me. A woman (mother Aya) appeared at the end of a tunnel and was waving for me to join her. As I followed, I felt as if I was forever indebted to her for giving me such a beautiful scene. She walked around the corner of my vision, and just like that, it turned black. I was alone and terrified again. I spend the next several hours inconsolable and terror-filled as visions of people with no faces came toward me. They were hovering and I desperately wanted it to stop. I tried on several occasions to stand, but my legs were no longer able to hold me. I yelled out, but no one heard me over the chanting, purging and loud instruments. I fell back with the clear vision of knowing I could not fight this, but even in this grave fear there was love for myself and everyone around me. Mother Aya showed me in this darkness the beauty of humility. I remember thinking, “Is there anything more beautiful than humility?” This led me to my childhood home. I could see the floor tiles, closets and details that had previously escaped me. I saw my sisters – each of them in moments and memories of great love. I saw them crying at different times in their lives and I felt the deepest love ever for them. I watched myself; I watched my mother. She was bigger than life to me and so incredibly beautiful. I could see her fragility even though I was just a child. She acknowledged that I knew and I felt part of her like never before in any memory that I’ve had.

I began to fly through memories of people, places and events long forgotten. I had moments of complete clarity in knowing this journey was bigger than me and I was loved like never before. I realized that I would never quite navigate through life the same way after experiencing the light of warmth and support I was feeling. The woman showed me with great clarity how my ego is driven by fear – so much fear of being alone, falling short of expectations, being left and rejection. She showed me how I’ve created a life that has successfully dodged the opportunity for any of these things I fear to manifest. Yet, for the first time, I saw how much I am giving up in truly living and loving. I see how easy it is for me to give love to so many things – yet, impossible to receive. I see how I have already buried everyone and everything I have ever loved as to be prepared and to never be surprised by the bone crushing loss of losing what I love. I’ve lived a life ready for battle when it comes to grief. A battle I have strategically won until the moment a lucid vision shows me it is a one-woman war and the woman deserves love, too. At that very moment, I made a vow to fear less and love more. I can still feel the sting of this realization while tears stream down my face as I write this. I will never again believe I have the possibility to be alone. Even if I was the last person on earth, there is a bigger force that holds me. I did not believe this to be true before ayahuasca. I continued to have several more visions before the evening ended at 2:30am. I broke my fast with soup, bread and tea. I had officially spent seven hours in the maloka.

"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.” – Terence McKenna

xoxo - Laurie