To Be Different - You Must Do Different

I drove up the sweetest driveway to his little cottage of a home for my reading with this notable Jungian astrologer. I could feel immediately that he had lived here a million years before. I followed him to the basement and we sat across from each other with only my natal chart between us. The chart that shows what was happening in the sky the moment I took my first breath. Jung so poetically reinterprets the great alchemical tracts of the past in “as above, so below". According to Jungian astrology, the natal chart explains why I tend to dive a million feet into every conversation I have. The reasons why I feel alone in a room full of people on most occasions, the tendency I have to hold on to things like a dog with a bone, and brings reason to the unreasonable way I love as fierce as a windy bonfire – and the list goes on. Knowing the mind of Carl Jung, gives me insight into the imprint I brought to the world.

I’m staring at my chart he is holding - the mandala of me. He looks up and I realize I am looking at the face of Jungian lineage like royalty and it smells divine. I hear the most beautiful violin over his voice. It subsides once I become more comfortable. I can’t help but wonder sitting across from him what it was like to be raised by such a brilliant man as James Hillman. As we continue to talk he tells me something that was so real. So real that I quickly wrap it in a million layers of denial and only hear it again while I am experiencing my first ever panic attack in Heathrow airport. "Your kind of love will always be found in the rubble of the ruins,” he said. “You arrived with the gift of being a voice to others, but you’re stuck in your South node (the gifts you bring to the world) and you need to move to your North node to create the life that is meant for you (the path for true purpose and growth). Your purpose is to use your voice sharing hard things, not easy things. He leans toward me and says, "Laurie, you are against slaughterhouses - who wouldn’t want to support someone not wanting to abuse farm animals?” "Your job is not to talk about slaughterhouses, your job is to talk about the hard things you know of that are so uncomfortable it burns the barriers between you and all those you love and in the burnt ashes unbreakable love connections are made." "This is the language where you will find your people and those meant for you." I knew immediately what he meant but I’m not ready to enter this path just yet. I called upon him and the ayahuasca retreat house for further discussion as I felt like the panic attack was a clear sign that something needs attention. The truth is – I simply cannot succeed and the vision I had for something was greatly miscalculated.

I find my zenith doth depend upon A most auspicious star, whose influence If now I court not, but omit, my fortunes Will ever after droop. Shakespeare

I created this website with the main objective of bringing light to synesthesia on my own journey of individuation. I thought if one person feels not so alone, I’ve succeeded. I thought of his words and made sure I didn't try to smooth out any of the details around my synesthesia to seem not so crazy. I would make it as gritty and as North node as it feels at times. I did not consider for one moment that I would receive the number of emails, many of which sit unopened in my inbox, that I have received. I understand the dynamic of wanting more of something that feels as if it understands you. I’m just not in a place to give. For me, this is the hardest group of words I can say. A new job, new language, lots of travel, a doctorate program gathering dust and a yoga practice hanging on by a thread. Most importantly, two of the most amazing humans that need as much love as possible. And certainly last but not least – my own self-care. I'm failing miserably at all of it and it simply doesn't feel good.

What I’ve learned of self-care is that it isn’t pretty. It isn’t bubble baths, girls’ night out, losing yourself in the arms of another. It is changing deeply ingrained toxic dynamics, having the courage to have the hard conversations you’ve avoided for years, staying quiet and reflective when you want to run, ending the excuses for others and yourself and to stop taking the proverbial bucket to the empty well. Most importantly, to use every ounce of energy you have in a directed path for the betterment of those you love and the world around you. You always reemerge a better version on the other side.

To be different - you must do different.

So, with all that said, I won't be updating my site for a period of time or answering email. I'm taking a much needed break from the world of social-everything and the world of investing great amounts of energy in dynamics that are not in my best interest. I guess you could say I'm holistically spent and looking forward to real connections and lovely verbal conversations. When I'm not working or traveling, you'll find me in the yoga studio, rebranding a company, sketching out plans for my first full-fledge garden, figuring out a way to start an animal sanctuary, continuing with school, reading - reading - reading, or sitting in front of these two gems waiting for them to turn off their electronics to notice me - and loving every 'present moment' minute of it. with huge amounts of love, xoxo

Laurie