True Belonging

To Belong to the Universe

I recently read a quote on belonging and self-acceptance that actually stung a bit as I read it. The focus was on the impossibility of true belonging to ever be greater than the level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don't have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess. So, how does one achieve a level of self-acceptance to warrant the feeling of truly belonging?

There is an equation to true belonging that I imagine looks something like this:

courage + vulnerability + shame exploration + finding a worthy witness to hear our stories without judgement = the journey of self-acceptance, empathy for ourselves and others and true belonging.

"Shame is a soul eating emotion" – Carl Jung

My love of Carl Jung goes way back and I can’t really determine the exact point of connection. What I do remember is having a feeling of being ‘at home’ when I read his words. He talked of feeling alone in a room full of people, being attracted to archetypal concepts and imagery that most had no interest to discuss with me and most importantly described shame as gritty and horrific to the psyche as it deserves to be described. I believe most unhealed shame events reside in the subconscious and I’m continually amazed with the number of people I love and respect that function at high levels and have absolutely no distinct memory of a large portion of childhood. I’ve learned shame events (along with other factors) can steal memories and cause the soul grounding splintering of the self, too.

What I know of shame based on my own journey is that it only survives if it is unexamined and kept secret. The moment you have the courage to be vulnerable enough to share the pathology of your shame with a witness that has earned the right to hear your story, it dissipates and no longer holds the energy it once held in secret. It’s as if you pulled the plug on its power. Carl Jung knew that images in our dream state could lead us to this journey of discovery if we were willing to pay attention and have patience. His theory on individuation is facing your subconscious elements (most containing shame) and bringing them out of the darkness and into the light where they no longer direct your life.

From a psychological point of view, our pathologies can contribute to the individuation process. As Jung says in, Alchemical Studies, “The king constantly needs the renewal that begins with a descent into his own darkness.” Consequently, an examination of our own dark sides, our own shame, our betrayals of self and others can lead us on a path to self-forgiveness and ultimately transformation.

Brene' Brown, the social psychologist made famous by her TED talks on vulnerability, shame and belonging, points out that owning our own story, our whole selves, the dark and the light, and loving that inner demon as well as that inner angel is a brave and consequential act which leads to inner peace. She so eloquently points out that when you numb the dark - you numb the light.

“Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough.” Brene' Brown

Paying attention and reexamining the dynamic that led us to believe we are unworthy is not pleasant and takes real courage. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and my guiding light, calls it the path of the warrior due to its courageous requirement. The simple truth is we are worthy as a birthright. And that is the beginning and end of everything. To see this clearly, we must understand without exclusion the journey we embarked upon that leads us to where we are today.

“Not wallowing in these events but acknowledging the seed with which they grow are resources for a vital life - the prima materia of the alchemists. We arrive not at a shallow self-acceptance, but with a profound love of soul with its rich mixture of the good and the bad are the starting point of a creative life.” - Thomas Moore

The way to transform shame into resiliency is through empathy, which is driven by connecting with others. Brown describes empathy as "the ladder out of the shame hole." She has developed the Shame Resiliency Theory (SRT):

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Find a safe place and person to begin understanding your story from the beginning. Identify those events that left you feeling you weren't good enough. It's that internal painful feeling. Can you physically feel when you're in the grips of not feelings as if you are enough? Can you figure out what expectations (self or others) triggered it? This is where therapy can best help in the excavating phase. 2. Practicing Critical Awareness Mind your self-criticism. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations driving you to shame? Would you speak to someone you love that way if they were experiencing the same thing? Is a current event triggering an unhealed dynamic from years ago? 3. Reaching Out Are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience empathy if we are not connecting with others. Another profound way that Brown thinks about it is, "If you own this story you get to write the ending. 4. Speaking Shame Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame? Shame finds its power in being unspoken, the better you can communicate your feelings and connect with others, the better you can dissipate the feeling of shame.

I find this to be one of the most important teachings of my life. It is only after the dissipation of shame's energy can we begin the path of joy through gratitude. There are no shortcuts I have found - believe me, I've looked.

much love to all of us worthy humans... xoxo